Amid the Snowflakes lies the Rose
by Cinaedus
Summary: AU. Shinji Ikari, lonely and abused, wishes only for death. Yet his salvation may lie in the arms of handsome upperclassman Kaworu Nagisa. ShinjiKaworu. Yaoi. R&R.
1. Only in Dreams

" **To Die, To Sleep"**

_It had been a dark, snowy day when they had gone looking for flowers. Mother seemed to relish being in cold weather, seemed to drink it in like air. And of course, he had been brought along, for she never could resist being without him for more than a few minutes. "My little Shinji-kun", she had said, " My little boy, who cries when he's alone." Even at that age he had been embarrassed by the statement and had protested vehemently that it was not true. "Don't worry," she had said with a grin, "it'll be our little secret." He had smiled then too, for it was impossible to stay angry at Mother for long._

_For hours they walked among frost-covered fields, alone except for the occasional crow, its black shape contrasting sharply against the snow. He grew tired quickly, for it was a very cold day and he was still a small child. Every few minutes, in order to alleviate the oppressive silence that lay around them, he would ask what it was she was looking for. "Flowers of course, Shinji-kun" she would reply. When he asked how flowers could survive in winter she would say, _

" _Because the will to live is stronger than anything, my son. There are some flowers who do not die with the leaves in fall. They live on even in winter, and if we're lucky, we'll see them."_

_On and on they continued until night seemed almost upon them. It was then he began to grow anxious, for darkness was something he hated with a passion. Mother had somehow sensed his fears for she had said, "Don't worry. We'll find one soon." How she could be so certain, he didn't know. All he wanted at this point was to be safe and snug back at home. They kept on until Mother suddenly came to a halt. She bent over a small patch of ground and began clearing away something. He asked if she had found something. "Look Shinji-kun", her eyes were bright and her smile warm, "Look what I've found." In her hands lay, of all things, a sunflower. "For you, my love, to brighten your day." He had hugged fiercely then, his mother, who loved him so very much..._

"Get up." Shinji Ikari awoke from blessed unconsciousness to find himself stretched out upon the floor, the same position he had been in when he had sunk into oblivion. His wounds were still bleeding, and his arm still hurt like hell. Damned if he hadn't gotten a fracture. A swift kick in the ribs jolted him out of the examination and forced him to look up.

Gendo Ikari, his mother's husband, also his father, stared back at him through red-tinted glasses which Shinji had never seen taken off. They concealed whatever emotion he displayed, and so, Shinji had no idea of what he might be thinking at the moment. This only caused him more fear.

"You disappoint me, Shinji. I would have thought by now you could handle this without fainting like a girl. It seems I was wrong." His father was enjoying this, Shinji could tell. His father enjoyed seeing him suffer like a dog on the floor, seeing him writhe in pain from the wounds he inflicted.

"Perhaps we should continue so that you won't be so weak next time." Gendo grabbed the front of what remained of Shinji's shirt and threw him against the wall. Shinji could feel something break, and tried his best not to cry out. It only served to infuriate his father further, which lead to more violence and more pain. But he couldn't do it. Not tonight, not after seeing his mother again, even if was only in dream from memory. A small cry escaped his throat, soft, but apparently not soft enough to escape Gendo's unusually good hearing.

He was rewarded by a hard punch to his stomach, causing him to slide back down to the floor. He began to retch, and was swiftly pushed away so that he might not do it on his father's shoes. But all that came up was blood, as it always did. "Disgusting." Without another word, Gendo turned and left, leaving Shinji alone in tatters.

Shinji didn't bother to clean himself up. He could do it in the morning. All he wanted right now was sleep, away from a father who hated him, away from a world that didn't care. Sweet oblivion, the cure to all this pain. _"Let me go back to Mother. I want to go back to her. Please, help me, Mother. I want my sunflower back."_


	2. Return to Nothing

"**I should have been a pair of ragged claws..."**

It was evening. Shinji lay upon his bed and listened as his father drove away into the distance. He felt no need to ponder as to where he might be headed. He knew _exactly_ where Gendo was going. The same place he went every Sunday, always at eight, dressed impeccably and with flowers to boot. How very strange, his father carried flowers...

Granted, Shinji had never actually seen the place. He was rarely allowed to leave the house, with school being virtually the only exception. And it wasn't as if that were any better. But still, he felt he had a fairly good idea of what it looked like. Small, probably neat, and with little lighting. His father didn't care much for bright places. The man virtually sat around all day in an unlit office, doing God knows what with his time. Yes, Gendo liked the shadows.

And so, his father was off having his little tryst, and where was he? Locked in his dark and dirty room, the room which he tried hard to keep so clean. But despite his best efforts, it always ended up looking like the majority of his wardrobe: filthy and bloodstained. He would probably spend the greater part of the night scraping off the bloodstains, and the remaining hours would be spent putting everything back in its proper place. Even when he was gone, Gendo still made his life a living hell.

But he had no right to talk. It wasn't as if he actually tried to fight back against his father's brutal treatment. He just put up with it, as he had done so for most of his life. _"God, I'm pathetic"_, thought Shinji to himself as he wrung a wet rag. Yes, pathetic was the right word for someone who endured savage abuse from their father and made no attempts whatsoever to stop it. He could have told someone, but what was the point? His father always won in the end, for he was a man who never lost. Ever. And Shinji felt no need to involve anyone else in this. There was nothing they could do.

But there was another reason as well, one far more important than the others. His father had told him one night when he was seven, after Shinji had inadvertently led a few, fat teardrops fall from his bruised and blackened eye. _" You're weak, Shinji. That's your problem. You're a weak, cowardly, sniveling little boy who can't stand not having someone comforting him all the time. You're a spineless little crybaby, and that's all you'll ever be."_

It was true. In his heart, Shinji knew what his father said was all true. He _was _spineless, he _was _a crybaby, but most of all, he was _weak_. And that was why his father's abuse continued. He was weak, and so, he deserved what he was getting. There was no way around it. He was a pathetic fool who deserved every little thing his father inflicted upon him. This was his life.

His hands immediately began to clench into fists as he realized he was on the verge of crying. Try as he might, he knew they would come. No wonder his father hated him. He hated himself too. _"How could you have loved me, Mother ?"_.


	3. One Day

"**I had not thought death had undone so many"**

The morning sun had barely begun clearing away the vestiges of night when Shinji started for school. It's formidable distance from his home forced him to begin walking while dawn was barely breaking. He held no bitterness however, since it gave him time to reflect as well enjoy a few precious moments without his father's presence. It was nice to breathe the cool morning air and to savor the sounds of chattering birds. His walks were one of the few things that still gave him pleasure.

School, however, was another matter entirely. As much as he liked his little journey, the thought of its destination caused Shinji's stomach to churn. School was awful. It was the one thing he hated most about his life besides Gendo, who gave him enough grief for several lifetimes already. But unfortunately, he had the added bonus of attending the hell hole that was Class 2-A. Lucky him.

As he walked, Shinji was suddenly struck by the thought of what he was going to when he had finished school. It was rather alarming now that he considered it, since there was really nothing that he wanted to do. Or rather, there was really nothing that he _could_ do. How he had managed to get this far without being held back was beyond him. There was obviously no sense of order in this world.

But still, he would have to do somethingor risk ending up on the streets. _"Wonderful"_, he thought, _"out of the frying pan into the fire"_. Going from his father's house to the dark alleyways of Tokyo did not appeal to him at all. He could just imagine the smug look on Gendo's face if he saw him scavenging around for food, the smirk that said _"I knew it"_.

No, he would make something of himself, somehow, someway. He'd do it just to spite that arrogant bastard. The only problem was keeping his resolve long enough to do it. Being the spineless coward that he was, his dreams always fell to pieces when he was back in his father's presence. The man's abrasive nature chipped away at him constantly, never letting him have a moment's peace. Why even now...

Damn. He thought too much. It was better to be just like one of those mindless drones that surrounded him at school. Whoever said ignorance was bliss hit it right on the mark. His classmates always seemed so happy, so carefree, just like normal people. But Shinji wasn't normal. He knew it, his father knew it, and his classmates certainly knew it as well. And people who were abnormal apparently could not afford the luxury of ignorance.

The looming buildings of his high school could be seen in the distance. He was nearly there. Now it was time to prepare himself for what looked to be another long day. To think he had actually been _cheerful_ when he had started out this morning. But enough of that. His little reflections would have to end right here before he went in. He'd learned early on that thinking wasn't something one did in class. For one, it got in the way. And two, it left him open to attack.

He entered the empty courtyard and began the familiar path to his class. Though he hated being here, it was comforting to be the first one to arrive, since there was no one around. And that meant he could already be seated when everyone arrived, which left no openings in his defense. At least, for the time being.

Silently, he slipped into the empty classroom and seated himself in the very back, his favorite spot. Now all he had to do was wait for class to begin. A good half-hour remained, but in that short time students would be coming. And sure enough, here came one now. To his great discomfort, he saw that it was Ayanami Rei.

Ayanami was perhaps the one person in all of Tokyo who was stranger than he was. And that was saying something. Her striking physical appearance was already a subject for conversation, but her personality was something else altogether. Ayanami was an albino, possessed of pure white skin and sky blue hair. But that wasn't the first thing one noticed about her. It was the eyes. Her eyes were a dark red, contrasting sharply with her pale skin. The effect of blood on white only lent to her already disconcerting presence.

But that was not all. No, Ayanami was also as taciturn as a corpse and as cheerful as a graveyard. She never smiled. Ever. She remained an island unto herself and seemed to find it not the least bit uncomfortable. Even their teacher was vaguely disturbed by Ayanami, since he never dared call on her for a question. Yes, Ayanami Rei was the only person more alone than he was, but that only gave him more cause to worry.

Ayanami didn't even glance at him as she settled into her desk near the window. He wasn't surprised. The day Ayanami showed interest in anyone else would be the day the sun came crashing down. Nevertheless, Shinji could not help feeling a bit sorry for Rei. She didn't seem like such a bad person; it was her strange appearance and even stranger personality that caused others to stand back. But she couldn't really help that, could she?

Laughter suddenly pierced the still classroom as three more people entered. One of them, a brown haired boy with glasses, was apparently recounting some humorous incident, much to the amusement of a tall, muscular boy with black hair and the dismay of a girl whose light brown hair lay bound in a pony tail.

"And she still couldn't see me filming, and so that's when,"

"Kensuke, you do know you could be sent to prison for this, don't you?"

"Aw, leave him alone, Hikari. Kensuke's not dumb enough to let himself get caught."

"Right you are, Toji. A true genius like myself can do anything he sets his mind to."

"That still doesn't make you any less of a pervert."

"Shut up. Now where was I?"

"She still couldn't see you filming."

"Oh, yeah! Right. Now, I was getting a bit nervous to tell the truth..."

Aida Kensuke. Suzuhara Toji. Horaki Hikari. They were all good friends. They were all liked or respected in their own way at school. And they all made Shinji's life a living hell.

Suzuhara was the first one to notice him, as he always did. Toji seemed to relish the fact that he, with his muscular build and coveted athletic status, could do anything he wanted to Shinji and no one would say a thing about it. It wasn't that they were too afraid, although fear surely was a factor in the mix. No, it was simply that no really cared what happened to him, the loner. And so, Toji was left free to do what he did best.

"Hey look, it's Ikari!"

Kensuke immediately stopped his little story and began to smirk when he realized what his friend had in mind. Hikari merely looked away. She was the class representative after all, she had a duty to stop these kinds of things from happening. But it was just Shinji, right? Who cared?

Toji strolled over to the back of the classroom with Kensuke in his wake. Shinji made no move to get up. Where would he go? Anyway, any move on his part to avoid this would only prolong the torture. Better to get it over with now, than to suffer even more later.

"So what's with the sour look, Ikari? You always looked pissed when I see you."

Shinji said nothing.

" Aw, come on. You're not gonna give me the silent treatment, are you?"

Still nothing.

" Look, if you're sore about that beating I gave you last Friday, then you shouldn't have insulted Hikari."

He had merely stumbled and stepped on her foot. It hadn't been intentional. Not that it mattered.

" Oh, I see. You think you're too good to speak to me, is that it?"

Shinji dimly wondered if Toji actually believed his own lies.

" I can't stand stuck-up bastards like you. Do you see what he's doing, Kensuke?"

" Yeah."

Kensuke enjoyed goading Toji into his anger, since it gave him a chance to watch the show.

" Just watching you sit here makes me sick."

"_Just hurry up,"_ thought Shinji.

It was over in less than five seconds. Toji's punches always connected, leaving Shinji with an already darkening bruise. He wondered why Suzuhara always felt the need to justify himself before doing it. It wasn't as if he needed to or anything. Strange. But then again, the mentality of people like Suzuhara was something he would never understand.

By this time, the class had filled up with the other students. As he turned to leave, Toji casually remarked, " I'll see you around, Ikari." He rejoined Hikari at the front of the class and sat down as their teacher entered the classroom. _"I know you will, you bastard,"_ thought Shinji. _"In the lockers, in the yard, at lunch. You'll find me somehow, you always do." _


	4. Heart's Desire

"**Thou art more lovely..."**

Shinji lay against the gnarled trunk of the old tree and slowly closed his eyes. The searing autumn heat and his still tender bruise had combined to give him a splitting headache. Now it was lunchtime and all he wanted to do was rest. In an unusual stroke of luck, he had spotted the tree and decided to lie in its shade for a while. He had no food, so there was really nothing else to do. The day's activities had exhausted him and he welcomed the chance to rest. It was not something that came his way often.

As he lay there, Shinji's thoughts began to turn once again to his mother, as they invariably _"If only I could see her once more, just once,"_ he thought. _" But I can't . And I know who to blame."_ Anger began to well up within him, at the unfairness of it all. What had he done to deserve this? What had he done to deserve having his mother taken away from him? All the rest he could understand, but this? There just seemed no point to it. Maybe his life really was meaningless. His anger gave way to depression.

"_That's all I am, isn't it?"_ he thought sadly, _"Just another nobody whose death wouldn't matter."_ The sudden thought that he could take his life right there and then occurred to him. Why not? Perhaps the happiness he yearned for lay in death. He wouldn't know unless he did it. Yes, he could die just like the leaves all around him, the broken leaves that were always blown away. It sounded so lovely...

His thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sound of a door opening. What an idiot he was. He had forgotten that the auditorium was nearby. Now someone was going to come out and unpleasantries were sure to follow. He only hoped it wasn't Suzuhara and his cronies. He didn't think he'd be able to last their torments in the state he was in without bursting into tears. And he certainly did not want _that_ to happen.

He was surprised to find that only one person had come out. It was a boy, an upperclassman by the looks of it, which meant he was at least a year older than he was. He was carrying what looked to be a violin case at his side, though Shinji could only guess if it actually contained a violin. It wasn't until the boy had gotten closer that he could make out his face, upon which his breath was fairly taken away.

Nagisa Kaworu.

Tall. Possessed of a slender physique yet with an athlete's muscles. Lily white skin, unblemished and as pale as if it had never seen the sun. Hair the color of ash, grey as the cloudy days when the wind moans its secret song. And eyes of sunset, of the red sky that slowly sinks into night.

Shinji began to sweat, something he was sure was not even remotely connected to the heat. That Kaworu would be passing by him in a matter of seconds began to cause him worry. First and foremost, had Kaworu seen him sitting here? The thought that Kaworu might notice him was only slightly more upsetting than the thought that he might ignore him completely. Shinji wasn't sure which one he would have preferred, although the choice was out of his hands.

Relationships were something Shinji had seen blossom among his classmates for a very long time now. The mad rush to obtain a boyfriend or girlfriend was something he was fairly used to seeing, though it didn't make him any less irritated. Just the thought of being in that sort of relationship bothered him to no end. And up until a few months ago, he had dismissed the whole thing as just another idiotic display of his hormone-driven peers.

But all that had changed. It had changed so completely and utterly that Shinji still marveled at it. His illusions had been shattered one spring day when he had been preparing to go home. School was over, and as he lay immersed in his melancholy thoughts, walking through the hallways, he had wondered if his father would be too tired to attend to him that night. Hopefully, the stress of his new job had worn him out, though he doubted it very much.

And then, it had happened. As he walked, he had suddenly spotted three boys headed his way. Two of them were engaged in what looked like a very intense conversation, with the result being that the third was left out of the loop. It was the third that had attracted his attention. That boy had been Kaworu and he was more beautiful than anything Shinji had ever seen.

Oh, he was lovely beyond the describing of it! With his gorgeous eyes and stunning looks, Kaworu was perfection itself. And Shinji had been utterly taken aback. He had actually stopped right there in the hallway and _gaped_ at him, mouth slightly ajar, to his everlasting shame and embarrassment. Kaworu's companions had taken no notice of him as they passed by, and it seemed Kaworu would do the same. However, Kaworu was not like other people, that he was not. It was to be Shinji's first lesson about the pale boy, for as Kaworu passed him, he had turned his head and, with a playful smile on his lips, _winked_ at Shinji. Long after they had left, Shinji had found himself still standing in the hallway, his mind replaying the image over and over again.

Thus had begun his ill-fated crush on Nagisa Kaworu, not only the most handsome boy in school, but an upperclassman no less. He had fought long and hard for many days afterward to resist what he knew to be true: he liked Kaworu. Eventually, he had been forced to realize this and gave up deluding himself. But then he had been faced with the unpleasant task of having to deal with his unrequited love, the pain that was as sweet as honey and never ever went away.

There had been no more encounters with Kaworu after that, if you could call what had transpired an encounter. No, there had only been glimpses of the grey-haired boy, either walking to class or with one of his friends. Once though, Shinji could have sworn that Kaworu had looked straight at him, again with that strange smile on his face, looking as if he were rather pleased about something. But it had only lasted a few seconds, so he couldn't really tell whether anything was meant by it or not. But still...

And now his secret love was almost upon him. There wasn't much time. What should he do? Run away? But what if Kaworu should see him? No, he mustn't run away. He mustn't run away. He _must not_ run away.

Kaworu had seen him. He could tell by the way the older boy was smiling, that special smile that he always seemed to have whenever they made eye-contact. And now he was heading toward him. Shinji dimly wondered how Kaworu could make their simple uniform, consisting of a short-sleeve button-up white shirt and black pants, look so appealing. In acknowledgment of the hot weather, Kaworu had left the top of his shirt unbuttoned, revealing an orange undershirt that barely concealed his pale flesh. It took all Shinji had to keep from moaning.

"Good afternoon, Ikari-kun."

Kaworu stood before him, smiling and not looking at all bothered by the heat. As Shinji wondered how Kaworu could possibly have known his name when they had never actually spoken, he realized that the other boy was awaiting his response.

Embarrassed, he softly returned the greeting. "Good afternoon, Nagisa-kun."

"Do you mind if I join you?"

Now Shinji began to blush. It was one thing for Kaworu to say hello to him, and quite another to request the pleasure of his company. Of course, there was only one response.

"No, not at all. But, as you can see, it's rather hot out here."

"I don't mind."

As Kaworu sat beside him on the soft and comfortable ground, Shinji thought to himself that perhaps death could wait for just a while longer.


	5. Another's Eyes

"**Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"**

_He had been very young when he had received it, no more than five. But the scene had impressed itself so throughly into his young mind that he had no trouble recalling it. It had been a rainy day, with nothing to keep him occupied, the result being that he became bored very quickly. He had begged his father for something to do, anything, even if it was hard. His father, looking very amused, had told him that he knew exactly what he needed, although he was unsure if he should give it to him. When asked why, he had said that what he had in mind entailed a lot of hard work for his young son, but that it was nevertheless very enjoyable. He had begun pleading until his father finally assented, and that was when he saw it._

_The violin. _

_It was a gorgeous creature. Smooth with a glistening coat of paint on its aromatic wood, it strings as supple and as firm as a young tree branch. It seemed to call to him, begging for someone to caress it, so that it could draw him into the lovely and intoxicating world of Song. And he had answered. _

_For years he became its slave, laboring to master this instrument of God, so that he could enter the world of bliss whenever he so chose. Through all the sweat and tears he never stopped loving it, for who could hate such a thing? When, in his fourteenth year, he had been pronounced a musician capable enough of handling it, he had broken down weeping. It had been the best moment of his young life, becoming one with his love. But all that had changed._

_For now, he had a different love._

"You looked rather lonely, so I thought I would join you. I hope I'm not disturbing you."

Glancing at the boy next to him, Kaworu could see that he was rather worked up about something, though what it was he couldn't guess at. He thought it best that he break the silence, since it was obvious that Shinji would make no move to do so. _"He is so very shy"_, thought Kaworu. Not that it was any problem. On the contrary, it only made Kaworu like the boy more.

"N-No, of course not. Why would you be bothering me, Nagisa-kun?"

"It just seemed like you wanted to be left alone."

"Well, I did, but it's not a problem."

"Oh?" Kaworu smiled. "And why not?"

"I like it when you're near me." A sudden blush came upon Shinji, causing him to look away in embarrassment.

Kaworu barely managed to suppress a grin.

"I enjoy being in your company too, Ikari-kun." He scooted a bit closer to Shinji, who continued to look away from him.

"Have you eaten lunch yet?"

Shinji turned back with a startled look. "Lunch?"

"Yes, I haven't seen you eat anything since class ended."

Choosing not to ask why or how Kaworu had been watching him, Shinji muttered, "Not really."

"Oh, would you care for some of mine then?"

Kaworu's delight at being able to help Shinji now turned to amusement upon seeing the look on the younger boy's face. It was mostly surprise, with a little bit of shock mixed in for good measure.

"But, you don't have a..."

"I carry my meals in here." Kaworu tapped the violin case.

"Shouldn't there be a violin in there?"

"Well, there _should_ be, yes, but that doesn't necessarily mean there _has_ to be, now does it? I keep it at home, much too dangerous bringing it here. Besides, you'd be surprised how many bowls of rice you can cram into this thing."

Unlatching the case, Kaworu proceeded to draw out a surprising amount of food, all of it still fresh and with tantalizing aromas as well.

Shinji was now flustered. "Haven't you eaten either?"

"I was a bit preoccupied, to tell the truth. I had forgotten all about until just now. It's really no trouble. Besides, eating is much more enjoyable when in pleasant company." Kaworu felt the sudden urge to wink at his brown-haired companion but thought better of it. Shinji's face was red enough as it was.

"Thank you," murmured Shinji quietly and suddenly broke into a smile that took Kaworu aback. He had never seen the other boy smile in all the time that he had watched him, and to see it now was like being struck by lightening. It was just so _happy_. So happy at the thought that someone else cared enough to share his lunch with him. It made him stop for a moment.

"Is something wrong?" That lovely smile began to falter.

"No! I just thought I saw something, that's all."

"Oh."

Picking out the tastiest morsels he could find, Kaworu piled them in a bowl and handed it to Shinji. As the timid boy took hold of it, his hand accidentally brushed against Kaworu's more pale one. The action gave them both reason to pause. For a very long moment, Kaworu did not dare to look up at Shinji, fearing that he might see disgust upon those lovely features. But no, Shinji didn't appear to be disgusted at all. In fact, a smile lay upon his lips, even brighter than the one before. It was enough to make Kaworu smile as well.

"Sorry."

"Not at all."

They smiled at each other, very much at ease compared to a few minutes ago. Now seemed the best time to edge even closer to Shinji, which was exactly what Kaworu did, until the space between them was barely visible. He could feel how hot the other boy was, see his flushed face and skin. The sweet smell of soap was upon him, a cool, inviting scent that made Kaworu want to feel Shinji snuggle against him. How he wanted to kiss this shy, sweet boy. Words could not express how much it meant to him to be here, next to this boy with such sad eyes and the sweetest smile imaginable. It was indescribable.

"Ikari-kun?"

"Yes, Nagisa-kun?"

"Might I ask a favor of you?"

"Anything."

Kaworu decided not to comment upon the rather vague nature of this statement, since it left open too many interesting possibilities. "Would you call me Kaworu from now on?"

A faint blush. "All right, but could you call me Shinji as well?"

Kaworu grinned. "It'd be my pleasure, Shinji."

"The pleasure is all mine, Kaworu."

After a prolonged stare between them, the two boys began to laugh. The situation's apparent seriousness was broken by the much-needed levity. One could only stay on the edge for so long, after all.

The rest of their meal was done in silence, with the occasional glance between the two. Kaworu was enjoying this greatly; he only hoped Shinji was happy as well. When they had both finished with their respective bowls, the bell had rung. Lunch was over.

Kaworu was disappointed that it was over so quickly, but there was nothing he could do about it. He stood up and stretched along the tree, his back a little stiff. From the corner of his eye he caught Shinji staring at him, looking rather dazed. Secretly pleased, he turned to the other boy and said, "Well, shouldn't we get going, then?"

Shinji made as if to get himself up but remained upon the ground. After several more fruitless attempts, he turned to Kaworu with his face burning and asked, "Kaworu, could you help me up? I can't move my legs."

Not needing to be told twice, Kaworu wrapped his arm around Shinji's waist and raised him up. He felt exactly as Kaworu imagined he would. Soft, delicate, and so very smooth. It made him

want to press his lips against that burning face and...

"Kaworu?"

Now_ he_ had cause to blush. "Yes, Shinji?"

"Um, do you mind helping me to class? My legs don't want to work." He was embarrassed, poor boy.

Putting on his brightest smile, Kaworu clutched Shinji a bit tighter and replied, " Of course not. This gives us a bit more time together anyway, ne?" He winked once again at his dark-haired companion, causing Shinji to blush uncontrollably.

Looking back, Kaworu felt that it had been a very pleasant lunch after all.


	6. Captured

"**Bondage: The state of being bound by or subjected to some external power or control."**

The heat of autumn had passed only to be replaced by the chill winds of an imminent winter. The days had become shorter now, and the darkness of night came sooner. But the promise of snow still lay very far away. The world of nature slowly prepared for its time of death among the snow, supported only by the frail hope of rebirth in the spring. Yet even among the dying leaves of fall, flowers still managed to bloom. It was a fact Shinji was beginning to appreciate more and more every day.

He was waiting for Kaworu near the school gates; earlier in the day, the grey-haired boy had asked if he could wait for him after school. Blushing at Kaworu's politeness, he had told the grinning boy that there was no need to ask. Shinji still remained puzzled as to why Kaworu had felt the need to ask his permission for such a trivial thing. No one had ever bothered to do so before. It was a new experience and therefore quite disconcerting. But no matter. He lived now only for Kaworu's smiles.

Things had certainly progressed between the two boys. For instance, they now spent every lunch hour together, enjoying the pleasant conversation that flowed between them. Shinji had never in his life been asked his opinion on anything, and had been rather embarrassed when Kaworu had first done so. But slowly, under the older boy's patient and gentle tutelage, he had begun to express his thoughts more freely than he had ever done before, and was now competent enough to engage in discussion with Kaworu, who was a brilliant conversationalist.

But his newfound social skills were not all that came of his association with Kaworu. It seemed word had gotten out that Ikari Shinji was now "untouchable", meaning that he was under the protection of someone far higher in the school hierarchy than he would ever be. As such, he could not be treated in any manner that could possibly be construed as "disrespectful", for to do so would not only be an insult to Shinji himself, but his guardian as well. Most of his classmates seemed to take this under advisement, and gave him a wider berth.

There had been only one exception to the rule so far, a defiant yet short-lived rebellion against Shinji's new protected status. Suzuhara Toji, much to his classmates's horror and Shinji's chagrin, had knocked him down with a fist to the stomach, resulting in a tear to his uniform and accompanying pain. Toji had dismissed the entire incident, not heeding Kensuke's warnings that he should never have done that. Later that day, when he had eaten lunch with Kaworu, the other boy had noticed his disheveled appearance and asked what had happened. Stammering, Shinji had said that he had fallen. In deep thought for a few moments, Kaworu had then changed the subject, much to Shinji's relief.

A few days later when walking to class, Shinji had spotted Suzuhara turning the corner ahead of him, now sporting a black eye and deep cut on his lower lip. Seeing Shinji, Toji had hastily entered the classroom, avoiding any eye contact between them. To his even greater surprise, Toji continued his policy of avoiding him unless absolutely necessary, and when they were forced to come into contact, had treated Shinji in an almost deferential manner, apparently determined that he leave a good impression. It would have been funny if he hadn't seen the fear in Toji's eyes.

He had asked Kaworu, straining to keep his voice calm, if he was the one who had given Suzuhara his wounds. Smiling sweetly at Shinji, Kaworu had asked if he really believed that he was capable of engaging in a brawl with the likes of Suzuhara. After all, even though he was older, his slender frame paled in comparison to Toji's athletic build. Laughing, he had placed his delicate white hands in Shinji's, saying that the only thing they were good for was playing the violin. Blushing at the fact that he and Kaworu were holding hands, Shinji had managed to stutter out that he thought Kaworu could fight very well if he so chose. Kaworu's response had been a grin, but nothing more.

For a long while now, Shinji had been brooding over the state of his emotions toward Kaworu. It wasn't because of any uncertainty, he was _very _sure of how he felt toward the grey-haired boy. No, it had been whether he was able to keep them under control and away from Kaworu's discerning glance. The older boy was as perceptive as he was handsome; nothing ever slipped past him, as could be seen from the whole incident with Suzuhara. Truth be told, it was a little frightening, for Shinji lived in fear of the possibility that Kaworu might find out the nature of his feelings toward him, and abandon him because of it. The thought was too nightmarish to entertain for long, and only surfaced late at night when Shinji licked his wounds.

But, would Kaworu really do that? Surely, no one as kind, as gentle as he would ever do such a heartless thing? Shinji prayed that it was so, but at the same time forced himself to realize that he really knew very little about what Kaworu felt about such things and that the worst scenario was probably the most realistic. It nearly always was. Reality was hell.

He was abruptly roused from his thoughts by the sudden appearance of a pair of arms encircling his narrow waist, clutching him towards another, more taller body. Oh, dear.

"Miss me?"

Kaworu's breath was hot against Shinji's ear, causing him to shiver a little. The day had been cold and the body heat of his extremely close companion was a welcome change. Not that he would ever say that out loud, of course. But still, he enjoyed being caught in Kaworu's arms, caught in this embrace that made him feel like they were lovers.

" Always." Shinji felt like he was in a dream, one of the many lovely dreams that he had imagined so long ago, where he lay in Kaworu's arms and Kaworu told him that yes, he loved him, he always would, and that they would never be parted. He felt Kaworu's lips brush softly across his nape.

"I wanted to ask you something." He spoke in a whisper, low enough so that only Shinji could hear.

"Yes?" Shinji was half-awake, lost in this pleasant day-dream that had somehow come true.

"I wondered, if perhaps you would like to..."

"Ikari-kun"

Shinji immediately broke out of Kaworu's clasp at the sound of the voice. He felt rather dazed. What the hell had he been doing? He should never have lain so gently in what had probably been intended only as a friendly gesture. For God's sake, he had practically swooned in Kaworu's arms! Things had gone too far. Unfortunately, he had other matters to attend to at the moment.

Ayanami Rei stood a few feet away, her face devoid of emotion as usual. There was nothing in her glance that indicted any feelings she might have had at witnessing such a very intimate display between the two boys. Instead, she very coldly took in the situation but refrained from speaking. She appeared to be awaiting a response.

"Yes?"

"The director has requested your presence immediately."

"Why?"

"I was not told the reason. I was merely informed that I should bring you to him."

This was not good, this was not good at all. He had no desire to see the director of the school at this moment, or at any other for that matter. That he was not told the reason for this summons only served to heighten his fear.

"But school's already over. He has no right to call Shinji at this time." Kaworu seemed angry over this infringement on the younger boy's freedom.

Ayanami regarded Kaworu with an appraising eye, but remained silent.

"I'll come." There was no point in prolonging this.

"Shinji..."

"I'll see you tomorrow, all right, Kaworu?"

"All right." There was a hint of sadness.

Shinji forced himself not to look back as he followed Ayanami, for fear that he would run back at the sight of Kaworu's face. He needed to be in control, especially after what had transpired back there. One moment of weakness was all it took for him to lose Kaworu forever.

Lost again in unhappy thoughts, Shinji was unaware that they had reached the director's office until Ayanami had said, "Wait here," and went inside. A few minutes later, she emerged and told Shinji that he was able to enter now. As she passed him, Shinji was struck by a dark bruise on Ayanami's neck that he had never seen before. Dear God, if that was what he thought it was...

"Enter."

Upon hearing the command, Shinji hurriedly went in, shutting the door behind him. The room lay in complete and utter darkness, save for a streak of light that came from the half-closed blinds upon the window.

Looking up, Shinji found himself staring into the red-tinted glasses of Ikari Gendo, gloved hands perched upon the large mahogany desk behind which he sat. His father, also the director of his school.

"Take a seat, Shinji."


	7. Shame

"**Thy soul shall find itself alone..."**

Several minutes had passed, during which Shinji had been forced to bear the uncomfortable scrutiny of his father, who had said nothing further after ordering him to sit down. Shinji felt no need to break the nasty silence that now lay between them, for the very good reason that he might upset Gendo, who looked agitated enough as it was. The tension only grew thicker with each passing minute, jarring his already frayed nerves.

Losing control, however, was the last thing he intended to do in this situation. If he let slip and showed any weakness, his father would immediately know and use it to his advantage. Gendo excelled at sensing emotions, and had no qualms about using them to play with Shinji's already tormented mind. Not if by doing so he could get what he wanted.

"Do you know why I've called you here?" First move was his father's.

"No, sir." His father _never_ had contact with him at school. It was one of the few things he was grateful for.

"So you have no idea as to why you're here?" A hint of irritation now.

"No, sir." Where was this going?

"I see. You know, I would have thought that you of all people, Shinji, would have realized by now that it's pointless trying to deceive me." His father got up.

"What?" Shinji was becoming alarmed. His father had already gotten around the desk and was moving toward him.

"Come now, don't act so surprised. You knew you were going to get caught sooner or later, it was simply a matter of time." The white gloves were slowly being stripped off.

"I really don't know what you're talking abo..." Shinji's response was cut off in mid-sentence by the swift overturning of his chair, his head landing on the rough surface of the floor. His father loomed above him.

"Shut up." The chair was kicked aside, leaving the way clear for Gendo to come down hard upon Shinji's stomach, his shoe biting into the flimsy cloth of the uniform.

"F-Father, please..." His stomach had always been a sensitive area, the result being that the pain coming from the leather sole was excruciating.

"I thought I told you to shut up." Gendo's free shoe found its way to Shinji's face.

Shinji whimpered, but said nothing. His father smirked and relaxed his hold, leaving Shinji gasping.

"Now then, shall I tell you why you're here?" Shinji slowly nodded, desperately trying not to show fear.

"Very well. Several weeks ago, some very interesting news was brought to my attention, interesting in that it concerned _you_. At the time, I placed little importance on it, believing it to be an isolated incident and nothing more. Imagine my surprise, then, when I found out that what had transpired was occurring daily, and indeed, seemed to be happening with greater and greater frequency. Do you know what I'm referring to, Shinji?"

A pause. Then a slight shaking of the head.

"Really. Tell me, Shinji, who is Nagisa Kaworu?"

Shinji's eyes widened in horror. How...!

"I seem to have struck a nerve."

With that said, Gendo promptly reached into his back pocket and drew out a small switchblade, its gleaming surface apparent from where even Shinji lay. He bent down closer so as to be only inches away from Shinji's terrified face.

"Would you care to explain now?" His tone was mocking, cruel amusement pervading every word. The time had come for Shinji to crack.

"My...friend...He's my friend..." The mixture of pain and terror were making it very hard for him not to lose consciousness. His eyes lay focused on the blade, watching its slow descent. It kept getting closer...

"Liar." The tip of the blade was now touching his cheek, its coldness burning against flushed skin.

"But I'm not..." Once again he was cut off, though this time the pain was greater. His father had suddenly slashed across his face, leaving a long, narrow wound upon his cheek. He could smell the blood already.

"Don't try my patience. Nagisa is an upperclassman, and, from what I understand, extremely popular among the students. So why does he always spend so much time with you? You two seem to have gotten rather close over recent weeks. It's an unexpected and rather sudden move on Nagisa's part, which leads me to suspect that something occurred between the two of you. What happened, Shinji?"

Silent tears streamed down Shinji's face, water mixing with blood.

"Do you know what I think happened, Shinji? I think you let Nagisa have his way with you. Yes, he fucked you good, didn't he? I guess Nagisa knows a good thing when he sees it because he hasn't left your side for weeks, apparently enjoying the "pleasure" of your company. And being what you are, I'm sure you enjoyed every minute of it, you filthy little whore."

"_Do you still love me, Mother?'_"

"Get up." Gendo grabbed his collar and raised him off the floor. He barely had time to stand on his shaky legs when his face was slammed into the wall, the blood of his wound smearing across it.

"Listen to me." His father's voice lay very close to his ear. "If I catch you anywhere near Nagisa from now on, this will seem positively tame compared to what I'll do. Do you understand?"

"Y-Yes..."

"Good. Now get out."

Slowly, painfully, Shinji made his way to the door, his vision blurred by tears. His exit was interrupted however, when his father spoke again.

"And tell Rei she can come inside now." The unstained gloves were being put back into place.

He nodded, and opened the door onto a painfully bright hall, his eyes having been weakened by the unlit office. Ayanami stood quietly a few steps away, her red eyes turning their gaze upon him. Had she heard?

Too exhausted for words, Shinji weakly motioned towards the door. Catching on, Ayanami swept by him without a word and shut the door, leaving him alone once again.

Rest. He had to get home so that he could rest. But how was he to get there in his condition? Night was already falling, andthe smell of rain was in the air.But he had no choice in the matter. Gritting his teeth, Shinji slowly made his way to the gates, brushing past them onto the dark streets. In this bleak andbitter landscape, Kaworu's smile seemed so very far away.


	8. Confrontations

"**Straight and swift to my wounded I go"**

_He had been heading towards the library, having need of certain textbooks for an assignment due the next day, when it happened._

_An older man, tall and grim of face, had unexpectedly stumbled against him, knocking his violin case to the ground. Mumbling an apology, the man had bent down to retrieve it for him, and it had only been when he stood up to give it back that he realized who had bumped into him._

_Director Ikari._

_Surprised, he had replied that it was all right, and had waited for Ikari to move out of his way. The Director however had come to a complete stop, and had stared at him through those tinted red shades, the expression of his eyes hidden. Feeling a little unnerved, he had been about to ask if the other could move out if his way, when Ikari beat him to it._

"_It's Nagisa, isn't it?"_

_He had replied that it was so._

"_You're quite the skilled musician, or so your teacher tells me. Didn't you win first place at the competition last year?"_

_A nod._

"_I see." There was a pause. "I believe you also know my son, Shinji?"_

_Surprise. It must have registered on his face for Ikari had added dryly:_

"_It's not something I brag about."_

_Trying to get over the shock of this startling new information, he had replied that he and Shinji were very good friends. Ikari had nodded, apparently taking this as a confirmation of some sort. Now thoroughly confused, he had asked if that was all. Startled out of his thoughts, Ikari had replied to the affirmative, and had apologized once more before walking off. _

_Later that day, he had learned through one of his friends that Ikari's wife had died some time ago. _

Kaworu was frustrated. For three days now he had been unable to get a hold of Shinji, who apparently didn't want to see him. Every time he got anywhere near him, the other would immediately take off, ignoring Kaworu's cries to the contrary. He had never been able to catch up.

And to make matters worse, the few times he _had_ managed to catch a glimpse of Shinji, what he saw alarmed him. Something was wrong. The younger boy looked pale, even thinner than before, and perfectly miserable to boot. His left arm had been bound in a makeshift cast, hanging limply at his side, while clutching every now and then at his stomach. It agitated Kaworu to no end.

He knew all this had something to do with what had transpired last week, the only problem was finding the connection. The circumstances in themselves were very suspicious. The fact that the request, or rather, command, had also not had a reason for it continued to bother him. That day, he had sulked about it for some time, extremely angry at the Director for interrupting what would have been a very special moment.

The reason Kaworu had asked Shinji to wait for him that day was so that when they were alone, he could ask the younger boy out on a date. He had planned to take Shinji to a nearby park, lovely and secluded, where they would have enjoyed a nice little picnic, all of Kaworu's devising. It would also have been a way of showing Shinji that he liked him as more than a friend, a fact he took no pains to conceal.

Of course, that wasn't what happened, and Kaworu had alternated between fits of anger and bouts of worry for almost an hour. When he had finally calmed down, though, the sudden idea had come to him of going to see whether Shinji had come out yet. Berating his stupidity for not thinking of it sooner, he had raced off to the Director's office as night slowly fell.

Once there, he noticed two things: the door was still shut, and there was trail of blood leading off somewhere. Upon closer inspection, he had discovered that the blood was still recent, though the owner was undoubtly long gone. Wonderful. As if that weren't enough, he had then noticed that there was a noise coming from behind the door. Moaning, it sounded like, from what was most definitely a girl.

Curious and not a little unafraid of what he might find, Kaworu had crept towards the door, taking particular attention not to make any noise. Upon reaching it, he had pressed his ear against it. There were two voices, one panting and one moaning. Unable to contain himself, Kaworu had opened the door, surprisingly unlocked, and was met by the following scene.

Ayanami Rei lay flat across a desk, back arched as Director Ikari, who stood over her, buried his face in her neck while at the same time roaming underneath her skirt. Kaworu had stood there for what was perhaps a few seconds before Ayanami noticed him and gave a little cry. Not giving Ikari a chance to get up, Kaworu had slammed the door so hard he was surprised the glass hadn't broken. He then took off as if his life depended on it.

Kaworu had been sick to his stomach for the entire weekend, unable to get the image of the older man pressed up against the younger girl out of his head. He still hadn't told anyone. He _wanted_ to tell Shinji, but obviously, he couldn't. Then again, perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to break the news to Shinji that his father was pedophile. There was enough to deal with.

Like how he was going to talk to Shinji at all. He had been searching for Shinji ever since lunch began, but had had no luck. Sighing, Kaworu leaned against the wall for a moment, taking a moment to catch his breath.

Rather tired, he surveyed the surroundings once more before stopping abruptly as his eyes focused on one spot in particular. A tree. Shinji was there, sitting beneath it. His eyes were closed, a pained expression on his sweet face. And despite the chilly weather, he still wore his summer uniform. Now was his chance. Kaworu tentatively took a few steps forward in Shinji's direction, praying that he wouldn't run off this time.

Luckily for him, by the time he reached Shinji, the younger boy still had his eyes closed, seemingly oblivious to the outside world. From where he stood, Kaworu could see that things were much worse than he had thought. A long, white scar was etched on Shinji's cheek, prominent against the flushed skin of his face. Kaworu suspected he knew all too well where it had come from.

Shinji stirred, his eyes fluttering open.

"Kaworu?"

It was almost a whisper, low and gentle, full of sadness and longing. Shinji's dark, angelic eyes bored into Kaworu's.

"Shinji." Spoken softly, like a caress.

"What are you doing here?" Surprise.

"I've missed you." The truth.

"Please, Kaworu, you've got to leave." Dark hair shaded eyes.

"Shinji, don't you like me anymore?" Pain.

"No! I...I just can't." Shinji burst into tears.

Kaworu sat down, his face a mask concealing the emotions that threatened to overthrow him. He put himself closer, until their faces were barely touching. He moved towards the other's ear and gently, lovingly, whispered into it.

"Shinji."

The younger boy shuddered, laying against the tree and baring his neck to Kaworu, who softly brushed his lips across it.

"Shinji."

He repeated it, like a prayer, in the other boy's ear. The name that was everything for him, the name that stood for the one he wanted so desperately right now.

"Shinji."

He moved from the neck to Shinji's jaw, kissing it with a barely contained heat. His lips then moved to place a series of butterfly kisses on the cruel scar that had marred this beautiful face. The eyes were next, kissed over and over until Shinji's tears were all gone. Special attention was given to the bare flesh of the chest, Kaworu's hot tongue causing Shinji to moan.

Gently, he drew Shinji into an embrace, loving the feel of the younger boy against him. He could not contain it any longer.

"Shinji, my dearest Shinji, I shall never let anyone come between us again. You are my dearest one, and I cannot stand to see you suffer so. Believe me when I say that whatever haunts you, I will free you from it. No one shall ever treat you like this again, I shall see to it. From now on, I will protect you, with all the love I have. Please, my lovely one, trust in me. I shall always be there to kiss your tears away."

Shinji was silent for a few moments before looking up at Kaworu, the expression in his eyes unreadable.

"Kaworu?"

"Hm?"

"Does this mean you'll be my boyfriend?"

Kaworu laughed for what felt like the first time in ages, and placed a kiss on his beautiful, blushing new boyfriend.


	9. Seeker

"**Doomed for a certain term to walk the night…"**

The chill of winter and the weakness of age were beginning to take their tolls. His once steady gait and vigorous step were now replaced by weak knees and a cane, the result of overexertion. Being preoccupied with other matters, he had neglected to tend to his health, which, true be told, was never very good to begin with. It came as no great surprise, however, for one could not live the life he had lived for the past ten years and expect to remain unscathed. It was a wonder he hadn't gone senile yet.

Sighing, he leaned back into his seat, surprisingly comfortable considering the meager amount he had spent on it. He didn't want any money wasted on superfluous expenses and so had opted for the cheapest seat available. It lay at the back of the train, quite isolated, but ideal in his view. Now he didn't have to worry about prying eyes glancing over his shoulder while he read, a risk he didn't want to take.

What he needed right now was a good smoke, and thankfully he had a match left. He'd have to buy some more when he reached Tokyo. That, and a couple more packs. Nicotine provided some measure of relaxation and peace to his overburdened mind, and God knew he needed it. It was a costly habit, and one he really should have given up years ago but…..he really didn't give a damn.

Inhaling deeply, he let the serenity wash over him, at the same time feeling the clarity of his mind increase. Now sufficiently relaxed, he turned his gaze to the documents in front of him, tattered and yellowed with age. It had taken him two years to find them, and about several months to get them into his hands. Along the way he'd had to bribe four different officials, hack into a dozen computers, break into eight hospitals, and steal about $1,400 worth of equipment. So, all in all, it had been a very costly affair.

Looking over them, he was pleased to see that the examiners had done their job thoroughly, as was evidenced by the detailed notes and photographs. One item in particular caught his eye. Towards the end, after listing what they had found, one of the examiners had added a little note in the margins:

_Knife wounds found on the upper thigh and torso as well a deep gash on the back suggest the victim may have suffered some form of marital abuse prior to death. For how a long a period, and to what extent, we are not able to ascertain at this time. _

There it was. Now he had Ikari right where he wanted him, caught in a spider's web. It didn't matter what the bastard did now, he had him. All that remained was the location. He was in Tokyo, that much was certain, but where exactly? The capital was a big place, and Ikari was sure to be well hidden. A few weeks, perhaps, before they would come face to face. The anticipation was already starting to get to him.

There was also another matter to be taken care of once he found Ikari. The boy. He could still remember the last time he had seen him, clinging to Yui, only five years old then. The child looked remarkably like his mother, having her pleasant face and gentle eyes. There was some of his father in him as well, unfortunately, as could be seen by the serious look he often wore when in the presence of others. He was quite fond of Yui's son, and had thought of him almost as frequently during the past ten years as he had of his father. The problem of what he should do once he found him still lay heavy on his mind, for it was just important to ensure the boy's well-being as it was to punish his father. Both tasks would require all his strength, and the likelihood that he would still be alive at the end of all this was not good. But there was no stopping now.

So long ago that it seemed like a dream, they had spoken of these matters. On a burning summer's day, he had tried in vain to convince her that she was making a mistake. How, he had asked, how was it possible for her to love someone like _him_? He could not understand, would not even try to. A small smile had graced her lovely face as she clasped his hands, speaking softly in his ear:

_Watch over my son. _

That was all. The conversation had ended right there, for she had walked away, leaving him in confusion. He hadn't grasped the full weight of her words until after it had happened; the realization came that she probably knew full well of what would befall her. But if she knew, why hadn't she tried to get away? The fact that she needn't have died still tormented him, drove him to do this. That, and the promise he had made in his heart that day.

_I will watch over your son for love of you._


	10. In Sickness

"**I am my dear one's, and towards me is his craving"**

He lay dying in the snow, alone under a desolate sky. The slow dance of the stars overhead did nothing to sooth him, for they possessed no warmth, being as cold as he was. All that remained was the darkness of night, empty and forlorn. It was slowly latching on to him, trying to close his eyes. But he would not.

There was no memory of coming here, only of awaking to snowflakes softly falling. For days he had lain here, alternately burning and freezing. That he could not move did not bother him in the least. What troubled him more was the fact that he could not find the voices all around him.

They were whispers, borne by the icy wind, of dark and secret terrors. All night long they would surround him, delivering the many messages he was unable to understand. To know what they said would require his memories, but they had all fled, leaving him with nothing but the present, the agonizing and endless now. How he hated them.

Once he thought he saw a rose, lovely and full of warmth, but it had been an illusion, nothing more. After all, roses could not survive in winter's realm. He had been foolish to think they could. But what of the figure that had stood near it? Had that been an illusion as well? He was not sure, but it had softly stroked his face, gently touching his forehead, its hands as white as the snow around him.

He had seen other figures besides that one, but they were not as pleasant. A cruel man had washed his hands in blood while a girl made of ice silently wept. A woman, unnaturally bright against the dark sky, had smiled at him, while an old man, covered with scars, struggled to reach him.

And so he waited, waited for the time when the last snowflake would fall and he would be no more. Already he could sense a change. Heat, of the kind only flames possess, was slowly engulfing him. He was sweating, burning as he had before, when there was no warmth at all. Something had happened.

_Shinji. _

His name. The word that signified him, the one who could not live.

_Are you awake?_

What was he if not awake? He did not understand.

_Please get better._

He struggled to get up, feeling a sharp pain pierce his body, little more than frozen limbs.

_Don't leave me all alone._

Wrenching open his eyes, he found himself in a dimly-lit room, wrapped in numerous blankets and sheets, while his head rested against a pillow damp with sweat.

"Shinji?"

It was him.

"Do you recognize me?"

Something to do with a violin, and sunset, and fierce kisses under shadowed trees.

"K-Kaworu?"

That lovely smile. "Welcome back, my love."

"What happened? Where am I?"

"You've been ill, my love, so much so that I seriously feared for your life. Fever was eating you alive, causing you to become delirious for three days, all of which were spent here, in my bedroom."

"I-I'm in your bed?" Suddenly the room got a whole lot hotter.

"That's right. Something wrong?" A grin played on his lips.

"No, no, it's nothing." The scarlet blush on his face said otherwise.

Looking decidedly more cheerful, Kaworu moved toward the bedside and sat down. He softly clasped Shinji's hand, rubbing it with his fingers. It felt good to feel skin against skin again. Leaning forward, Kaworu softly kissed Shinji, his sweet mouth tasting for all the world like honey, intoxicatingly pleasant.

Panting, Shinji closed his eyes, exhausted even after such a little kiss. He felt Kaworu kiss his hand lovingly before rising. As the older boy turned to go, he could not help but ask the question that had been bothering him since awakening.

"Kaworu?" The other boy stopped.

"I don't understand. How did I get so sick in the first place?"

There was a heavy silence. Then…

"The scar." The anger was apparent in his voice.

Of course. He should have known. God, how he must have been a burden on Kaworu.

"You are my love, Shinji. Taking care of you would never be a burden for me. So please don't ever feel that is. All I wish for is your happiness, nothing more."

Shinji softly sighed.

Kaworu smiled at him. "Get some rest. I need to go take care of something, but I'll be back soon. Sleep well." With that, he left.

As Shinji turned to sleep, he suddenly noticed a folded-up little note left near the bedside. Kaworu must have placed it there when they had kissed. When opened, there were only three words.

_I love you._


	11. Deadline

"**What peace can be found to grow between the hammer and the anvil?"**

It was all he could do to keep himself standing. The onset of winter three days ago had quickly transformed the city from mildly cool to unbearably chilly. This, coupled with not having slept for the past week, was enough to make his little vigil extremely uncomfortable. Silently he paced, wondering if he had done well to leave Shinji alone.

"Ah, you're early."

Sound of footsteps crunching the new-fallen snow. The darkness of the day served to obscure the speaker.

"I don't see why I should be late, Ikari-san."

The haggard face of the older man came into view, stopping a few feet away from Kaworu as he caught his breath.

"Did you wait long?"

"No." It was a lie, but Kaworu felt no obligation to tell the truth to this man.

"I apologize for making you wait. There were some matters I had to attend to before I could come."

"It is of no importance. Now, shall we get started?"

"Nagisa-kun, wouldn't you rather do this inside? My car is nearby, and it would be much easier…"

"Ikari-san, when I agreed to meet you here, I was under the impression that we would take care of things here and no where else. Now that you have arrived, I would appreciate it if you would stop wasting my time and get on with the matter at hand."

His anger, barely controlled throughout the past few days, now grew as he watched a smile grace the other man's lips.

"Do you find this amusing, Ikari-san?"

"Yes, Nagisa, as a matter of fact I do. I find this all very amusing. Not only do you kidnap my son, but you also have the nerve to order me around. An unsparing boy, as I thought."

It took every ounce of willpower Kaworu had not to lunge at the man before him.

"I did not _kidnap _your son, Ikari-san."

"Oh really, then what was it that you did, Nagisa-kun? Please, enlighten me, as I am at a loss to find any other word to describe your course of action."

"Ikari-san." Kaworu's fists lay clenched in his pockets. "Would you_ please_ say what you have to say so that I may leave?"

Now smirking, the other man pushed up his dark-red shades to the bridge of his nose and observed the skinny boy before him.

"Very well. Are you going to tell me where Shinj is?"

"No."

"Are you planning to give him back anytime in the near future?"

"No."

"Are you planning to give him back at all?"

"No! Ikari-san, if you dragged me out here just to answer pointless questions…"

"No, I did not. I called you here to issue an ultimatum. Three days, Nagisa-kun. You have three days to give him back to me before suffering the consequences. If you choose to disregard my generous offer, then I shall be forced to come get him myself."

Silently, the snowflakes fell, as red eyes gazed in silent fury upon an unreadable face.

"Well, the decision is yours, of course. I just thought you might want to know your options." A pause, as gloves were adjusted. "Now, if you'll excuse me."

"Wait."

Ikari stopped in mid-turn. "Was there something else?"

"Yes. You speak as if you were the only one here who is in a position to negotiate. However, your situation is just as precarious as my own, if not more."

"What are you talking about?"

"Come now, surely you remember? I did not think it was possible for one to forget molesting a fourteen year-old girl."

Kaworu was pleased to see ripples of anger appear across the older man's face.

"Molestation, Nagisa-kun?"

"Yes, Ikari-san, molestation. Of course, you could use rape as well, but I think the first is a much more apt description."

"You cannot rape the willing, Nagisa, curious as that may sound to your juvenile mind."

"Indeed, I wonder how willing a teenage girl can be, given pressure from a much older man."

"I don't have to listen to this."

"Oh, but I think you do, Ikari-san. Imagine how terrible it will be when the school board finds out the man they appointed is a sexual predator. What a scandal."

"But you're forgetting one thing, Nagisa. Ayanamei is mine. She will never do anything that goes against my wishes. Your case will be remarkably weak when the victim refuses to submit any allegations."

"Do you think I'm such a fool as to not have visual evidence?"

Both were too engaged in glaring at each other to notice the appearance of a man in the alley nearby.

"You're bluffing."

"Try me."

Ikari looked annoyed, whereas Kaworu was stone-faced.

"So it seems we have each other by the throat. I wouldn't have thought you'd be so ruthless, Nagisa-kun. My offer still stands."

"As does mine."

"I doubt you've managed to scrape up anything."

"Well, we'll just have to see then, won't we?"

"Yes, we will. Good day, Nagisa-kun"

Kaworu watched until he could no longer make out Ikari's dark clothing, the man having drifted back into the gloom. Alone once again, he sighed, and leaned against the dilapidated brick wall that stood crumbling behind him. He was tired, not only from being in the cold so long, but also from having to endure that insufferable man. That Ikari had been right about not having any evidence did not serve to lighten his mood.

The important thing was, however, to make him think he did have something, to give the impression that Ikari was not so safe as he thought he was. Despite the older man's scoffing, Kaworu was certain he had managed to convey that. The problem was what to do now. If the bastard went after Shinji, what was he to do?

Glancing at his watch, Kaworu was surprised to see that it had been two hours since he had left his sweetheart. He was probably worried sick. Brightening up at the thought of the younger boy, he tightened the hold of his scarf and set off for home, never dreaming he was being followed all the way.


End file.
